The idea that breastfeeding in public is impolite; especially with the added “unless it is discreet,” tells us a few things about the person harboring this belief. One, they've informed us that they have absorbed this culture’s over-sexualization of the breast. Many people will deny this - but if the breast weren’t primarily sexual in a person’s mind, they would not feel discomfort at the sight of a breastfeeding baby. Two, they have told us that they feel it is your responsibility to make them more comfortable. They have asked that you change your behavior to accommodate their personal beliefs about breasts.
The first, you cannot do much about. Changing a person’s beliefs about the sexuality of the female breast, as paradoxical as those beliefs may often be in this culture, is just not going to happen in one encounter. The second – now there is something you can work with.
Nursing Among Friends
You are in a position to make an empowered choice. Depending on the circumstances of the moment, you may feel obligated to defer to the needs of the other party to be comfortable. You may know or be related to the person. Often, there is an initial period of discomfort for the friend or family member, and that might make you think you should change what you are doing.
The common belief that breastfeeding without hiding is impolite can cause confusion about who is responsible for the comfort of whom. Consider a story I often hear from other moms – they tell me that the initial sight of the baby nursing made their friends or family feel that perhaps they should leave, or offer a cover-up – not because they were offended, but surprisingly, because they were unsure of the confidence level of the mother herself, and were seeking to find out where her comfort zone was. They were not comfortable themselves until they were shown or told, that the mother was simply carrying out an everyday parenting task - normal behavior and conversation could continue. So you may choose to demonstrate to and tell your friends or family that you are just feeding the baby. Carry on the conversation and look them in they eyes, just be completely normal as you would if you were simply holding the baby. Most often, this will reassure the other party that you are comfortable, and they in turn will relax too.
I hear quite often from mothers that in beginning with their first child, in-laws and friends might walk away or offer blankets when they see she is nursing the baby. Once they realize that simply feeding the baby does not shame the mother, they stop the avoidance behavior and by the time the second child comes along, they can sit and chat with the mom as she breastfeeds the baby and no one thinks a thing of it.
In an experience with my in-laws, my own assumptions and misplaced feelings of responsibility were revealed. During the time my second son was nursing I usually sat somewhat apart from the family to breastfeed when my father-in-law was present. I assumed he was not comfortable with my nursing his grandchild after the age of six months, when his own children were weaned to a bottle. A few years later, after he had passed away, I discovered during a conversation with my husband that my father-in-law had thought our nursing through toddlerhood made very good sense and he didn’t have a problem with it. I’d separated myself and my son from hours worth of family interaction because of an incorrect assumption and my mistaken feeling of responsibility for someone who was already taking perfectly good care of their own comfort.
Nursing Among Strangers
Here too, it is your choice to decide whose needs to be responsible for. Remember that there is nothing inherently rude or impolite about simply feeding your child. There is nothing inherently rude or impolite about breasts. The thoughts of others are what make them feel discomfort with breastfeeding. You cannot control their thoughts, but you can control your own actions.
Again, the environment and circumstances offer you information to make your decision. You likely won’t think in detail about it, you’ll simply look around and see if you feel you are in a good place to nurse. You may be dealing with a colicky baby that week, you may find yourself sitting across from your partner's boss at the company picnic, you may be fifteen minute’s walk away from your car, or you may have any other number of factors that influence your choices at that moment. Keep in mind, that when you become invisible to breastfeed, you are implicitly agreeing with the cultural belief that breastfeeding should be hidden.
This is not to say that there aren’t times a mother needs a quiet place to nurse, we have all been there! It is only to say, be aware of complying with beliefs you don’t agree with, and when it is possible for you and your nursling, go about your business with an aura of normalcy and confidence, without hiding.
There is no need to take responsibility for the personal comfort of those who disapprove – you’re already being polite, you are already fulfilling your responsibilities to society and to your child as well as yourself – it is unreasonable of anyone to ask you to bear their responsibilities as well.
Of course in the beginning, you might not feel as confident as all that, but nobody out there needs to know you have butterflies in your stomach. Start out slow in easy situations, bring a supportive friend, practice acting confident till you feel confident, (remember, the Mona Lisa smile) and soon you will feel a sense of satisfaction. Satisfaction that you have taken the best course of action for your baby, that your behavior accurately reflects your values, and to top it all off, that you are able to provide a much-needed positive role model for our culture.
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